Sunday, October 28, 2007

Argentina keeps it in the family

Argentina supposedly elected first lady Cristina Fernandez to take the job of her husband. She refused to debate and traveled the world to shop and meet with "world leaders" while the people of her country sat in poverty and crime-riddled cities. Her opposition refuses to concede defeat, claiming an unprecedented amount of fraud.

Fun with fart hammers part 2 - American Stinker

A fine fellow named Rick Moran over American Stinker is upset because the Paul campaign paid money for services to an individual that doesn't believe in the same things he does. Here at Smoke Cocktail what Mr. Moran has done is known as fart chasing. Mr. Moran and Mr. Morrissey seem to enjoy chasing farts while searching for that elusive turd so they can hammer it and smear crap on Ron Paul. It must be frustrating for Mr. Moran and Morrissey to have to hammer so many farts without ever coming across a turd. The joke is on them. There is no turd.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Fun with fart hammers

I can't help but wonder if should be renamed to Sometimes that site is a just like a fart machine online. They definitely have the highest fart rate of any website I can think of. ALLAHFARTCHASER might as well be renamed FART HAMMER for the way he/she sniffs out farts and hammers them to create a fart spray. Other fart sniffers then trap that fart spray in a bottle or jar so they can release that fart in the face of other people who must like to have their face farted in. Notice in the comment section (fart list) that the Fartbomb fart-chasers even delve into the topic of baby farts. I'm sure that they won't find this a funny fart joke. Oh well.

Church gets behind Britney, Idol really does give back.

Taking a break from the usual, a Christian Church is getting behind curvy pop-star Britney Spears. (Photo)

It turns out that giving money to "Idol Gives Back" may have actually been worth it. Here is an impressive list of charities that money went to. Now just think how much more effective charities could be if governments and churches didn't ignite so much war and disease, so much oppression around the world.

San Diego is still burning. There is no word yet as to when the space shuttle is going to remove the magnifying glass from that area and give those people some rest.

Make the Republican Presidential Candidates Address Medical Marijuana

I mentioned a few days ago that Glove Romney needs to clarify his medical marijuana stance as he would not be able to shake Clayton "You Gotta" Holdon "Me" and other marijuana advocates. Now it appears as if is trying to take the issue a step further and raise awareness as to actually get a response from the circus. I will say that I don't think medical marijuana should even be THE issue. The government doesn't have the right to criminalize a plant or the people who consume it, period. I am not a product of the federal, state or local government.

Turkey is accusing the European Union of harboring terrorists. I am hard pressed to name a country that doesn't harbor terrorists. Can you name one, honestly?

Britney Spears ran over a foot as she left a Los Angeles medical facility. The sock, complete with tire mark, went for $1,000 on EBay.

The United States reportedly tops the list of SPAM countries, by a wide margin. It's not all from Ron Paul fans. Many "spammers" are suspected to be CIA stooges out gathering email addresses, zip codes and birthdates for the Total Information Awareness database. Much of this may be done by "the machine" without using actual human spammers. Yes, the Internet clogs its own tubes. Other SPAM rackets are rumored to be run by organized crime syndicates, which these days may consist of a few pimply-faced teenagers or a room full of Russian-Israeli mobsters. You didn't hear any of this from me though.

Friday, October 26, 2007

North Dakota Republican Party hides straw poll vote totals, should I start Brees or Manning?

The North Dakota Republican party held its first straw poll. It didn't go very well. Mick Huckabee and Ron Paul each got about 4% of the vote, maybe. Party officials would not say how many people participated nor how many votes each candidate received so the results Minot be accurate.

John McCain is so desperate for campaign cash and attention that he's appealing for it in the worst way. McCain said, "I wasn't there. I'm sure it was a cultural and pharmaceutical event. I ... was tied up at the time." Now the campaign is using that line in commercials. Of course torture is bad, but ya don't run 23 bombing missions over a country and expect to get tickled when ya get caught.

Despite being older than time itself, Vinny Testaverde is still playing football.

My Fantasy Football squad got off to a terrible 0-5 start but has bounced back with two consecutive victories. This week I face LaDainian Tomlinson and Steve Smith, well, the team that has those guys anyway. I hope my running backs have a bright week with LenDale White and Brandon Jacobs starting and Reggie Bush as my flex. All three have favorable matchups on paper. I think I'm going to go with Drew Brees over Eli Manning at quarterback and I have the Green Bay Packers slated as my starting defense. Todd Heap is my usual tight end but he's on a bye week so I am going with Eric Johnson from the Saints. My kicker is Robbie Gould but I'll have to snag someone else as he's on a bye next week. I might have too many wide receivers on my team; Hines Ward, Brandon Marshall, Marques Colston, Antwaan Randle El and Ted Ginn. All of them rank in my Top 10 favorite players though, so they get kept. I can only start two this week because I'm using a running back, Reggie Bush, at my flex position. I think I'm going to go with Hines Ward and Brandon Marshall while benching Colston for the first time this season. Colston helped propel me into the playoffs last year but has been a disappointment this year after snagging him in the 5th round.

FEMA fakes a press conference. Bill Clinton heckles truthers.

The "top" U.S. disaster relief agency, FEMA, held a press conference regarding the San Diego wildfires. No journalists showed up so FEMA had its employees pose as reporters. You paid for it. Maybe the DEA should handle the fires. Sheesh. Where is Jeff Gannon when they really need him?

Second-tier Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama recently sounded a lot like Republican front-runner Ron Paul. "I don't oppose all wars. ... What I am opposed to is a dumb war." said Barry.

Speaking of Democratic presidential candidates, Bill Clinton got into it with some "9/11 Truthers" at a speech. It's hard to tell if it was scripted or not. Hillary has long been a favorite of the truthers but now the Clinton family is trying to distance themselves from that crowd in order to draw the Bush Republican voters in the upcoming election.

Gold nears $800 per ounce as toilet paper becomes more valuable than the dollar

Gold is closing in on $800 per ounce. Is the dollar closing in on history?
Some fans of Britney Spears are telling people to support her by boycotting her album. Jive doesn't care.
Unconstitutional revenue cops strike again as they tear apart yet another family.
The Vatican has cleared the name of the Knights Templar by releasing some 700-year old documents. Or, as conspiracy theorists will tell you, the Vatican added to the confusion by avoiding disclosure that the Templars are alive and running the world from an invisible cloud which floats mostly above Switzerland.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

New York Times profiles old dude who rakes in over $2.2 so far in October

An old dude who has raked in over $2.2 million so far in October got profiled by the New York Times.

“Sometimes we sit around and figure out, ‘I wonder how much value there is from that?’ ” Mr. (Ron) Paul said.

“They’re totally out of our control,” he added.

As they should be.

Give your man, lady or man-lady a hug tonight.

It doesn't really matter what you like, so long as it's of age and consensual. It doesn't matter if you're gay, a tranny or a bi-sexual. Let's get one thing clear though. I don't have to be your friend. Some of that stuff grosses me out but I'll fight for your liberties till the end. So give your man, lady or man-lady a hug tonight while I keep the government and churches out of your business. Hey baby, or should I say dude, boobs and a sack, hey what is this?

Glove Romney can't talk his way out of this one. Clayton Holdon has a hold on me. That makes no sense. I don't wish I cared. Marijuana should be treated like alcohol. The war on bud is unconstitutional, criminal, immoral and racist. Glove needs to catch a clue and say the magic sentence. "The government needs to leave people alone." Then watch as people rightfully point out his frequent flip-floppage.

NYC cop died from injecting ground-up pills, not 9/11 air

The chief medical examiner for New York City says that former NYPD detective James Zadroga died from lung disease caused by injecting za-droga's.

Andrew Sullivan vs. Red State - Sullivan wins.

Unconstitutional cops still won't leave people alone.

An alleged white supremacist named Black donates money to the most black-friendly presidential candidate. Morons are blaming the candidate for taking the money. Kinda makes ya wonder.

Microsoft to buy stake in biggest waste of time in history

Microsoft beat out rivals Yahoo! and Google so that they could invest $240 million for a 1.6% stake in the biggest waste of time ever.

The chief of the unconstitutional and ineffective Drug Enforcement Agency is leaving her post to take a job with the CIA, oops, I mean Motorola. Also in the news, the DEA is helping to fight the California wildfires. How many government agencies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Of course Dennis Kucinich saw a UFO. How do you think he got here?

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Cancer rates rise in Iraq due to wars, Laura Bush goes over to raise awareness about it

After two wars in Iraq caused by Bush Administrations, cancer rates have skyrocketed in the country. Now first-lady Laura Bush has made a trip to the Middle East to raise awareness about breast cancer in women.

"Since 1991 the number of children born with birth deformities has quadrupled," said Dr. Janan Hassan, who runs a children's clinic at a hospital in Basra in southern Iraq. "The same is the case for the number of children under 15 who are diagnosed with cancer. Mostly, it is leukemia. Almost 80 percent of the children die because we neither have medicine nor the possibility to give them chemotherapy."

Doctors have also recorded an extreme rise in cancer cases among adults. "In 2004 we diagnosed 25 percent more cancer cases than the year before and the mortality rate increased eight-fold between 1988 and 1991," said Dr. Jawad al-Ali of the Sadr Hospital in Basra.

Communist China bans talk of U.S. presidential frontrunner

A relatively scandalous topic of late has been the banishment by Communist China of any talk about a certain U.S. presidential frontrunner.

The Boston Red Sox and Colorado Rockies are about to square off in the World Series and end the daily suffering of housewives across America until next spring.

Oh yeah, San Diego is on fire.

It looks like Pervez is still trying to get some of that Bhutto.

Fox News is spinning again. So are many other propaganda outlets. Poor pain relief results for marijuana in an analgesic chili-pepper skin test are somehow credible as justification to say that marijuana makes pain worse. Skin irritation, headache, cancer, nausea, big difference.

Congressman Stark apoligizes for criticizing dictator.

Congressman Pete Stark said what much of the country feels, then apologized for saying it. “You don’t have money to fund the war or children,” Mr. Stark told Republicans last week. “But you’re going to spend it to blow up innocent people if we can get enough kids to grow old enough for you to send to Iraq to get their heads blown off for the president’s amusement.” No wonder Americans don't respect Congress.

(Pictured above) Jessica Biel poses for GQ, a men's fashion mag. It looks too good.
Al Gore is still blowing hot air about the global warming scare. Next up, fart tax.
A study by Harvard says that people who stay up for 35+ hours straight don't function as well as people who get normal sleep and might go nuts. Rip Torn told me this years ago in the movie Men in Black. "The twins keep us on Centaurian time, standard thirty-seven hour day. Give it a few months. You'll get used to it... or you'll have a psychotic episode."

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Old dude makes $2,000,000 in one month. Man faces life in prison over seeds.

I see that unconstitutional revenue cops still won't leave a people alone. "People are unjustly being put in prison and having their lives destroyed for choosing a substance that's somewhere between coffee and beer!'' decries Emery accomplice Greg Williams.

Although in a bit of good news some cops in Colorado returned marijuana to its rightful owner. "I believe marijuana is the quintessential realization of the term life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness," Marquez said. Also, Alamogordo only tickets people for a little bag of weed. Unconstitutional revenue cops still suck.

Do you know what a septuagenarian is? One of them has said "Freedom" a few times and raised nearly $2,000,000 this month because of it. They call him "Dr. Know," or somethin' like that. The doc sure does know know to raise some money.

Kim Kardashian in Playboy? Yup, apparently so. Kim told US. “I keep it classy and covered up. I do bare my whole butt. And a little bit of my chest."
Hey, speaking of buttholes, did you see this? "Wait a minute, this is out of whack with our constitutional framework and values, and I'm going to take a look at everything, and I intend to get into that, as soon as I can be inaugurated and start acting on it," she said. "We're going to get back to what I view as the constitutional framework and balance of checks that we need." She eloquently dances around an issue, again.

Albert Howard for President in 2008

Albert Howard, a devout family man, wants to abolish the Federal Reserve and the Internal Revenue Scam. He also drove all the way from Ann Arbor, Michigan to New Hampshire in order to file papers to run for president. “The Angel of the Lord told me in January of 1992 that Hillary Rodham Clinton and I would meet and be running against each other and that she would lose.’’ By the looks of it, I'd vote for him over the current crop of supposed front-runners. His primary objectives are better than that of Rudy Giuliani. Maybe he's hoping for a position in the Ron Paul presidency. I give Mr. Howard a lot of credit for trying.

Council on Foreign Relations SPAM

Fred Thompson and Rudy Giuliani are bombing on the Republican campaign trail so the establishment is throwing their weight behind third-tier longshot Mick Huckabee. Huckabee is known mostly for his dark jokes at Republican debates. In response to opposition, Hucksters have recently been storming the Interwebs with blatant propaganda aimed at making their candidate appear more popular than he really is. Meanwhile, Ru Paul continues to lead public opinion polls.

Bush 101: Empire Building with Eloquence

George W. Bush defended the United States missile defense system by saying that Europe has no way to defend itself from Iranian missiles.

"The need for missile defense in Europe is real, and I believe it's urgent," he said during a speech in Washington. "It doesn't take a rocket scientist to do the math."

Bush also said that his intelligence reports that the Iranians, with help from the outside, could develop missiles capable of striking the U.S. by 2015.

A blind monkey, with help from the outside, could also develop missiles capable of reaching the U.S. by next year. I'm not saying that I necessarily disagree with missile defense, let's just be honest about what is going on here. It's Bush 101: Empire Building with Eloquence.

Gay rights activists attempt to smear Obama

Gay rights activists and media are attempting to smear presidential candidate Barack Obama. Why? I still can't figure it out. Perhaps they feel the need for extra rights other than the ones that already protect them from violence or infringement of civil liberties. Here is a hint; if you want people to treat you "normal" then stop going around screaming in their faces about how different you are. Like Donnie McLurkin said, “What people do in their bedrooms and who they are as human beings are two different things.” In other words, STFU.

Politics, Terrorism and Gayness

A mistrial has been declared in the U.S. prosecuted Holy Land terrorism financing case. Is Zacharias still the only one that's been found guilty?

Osama bin Laden released a tape calling for less violence among tribes in Iraq and saying that the interest of an Islamic nation is more important than that of a state. Violence drops. It doesn't have anything to do with the upcoming election though, promise.

Time released an article online in which the author whines about the timing of the news that Albus Dumbledore is/was gay. First off, he's a fictional character. Secondly, do we have to declare our sexual preferences in public now? I like big butts. Hey I guess that did feel kinda good. It's out in the open. Phew. Last but not least, don't look to fictional characters or politicians and hope to find a good role model. You'll be disappointed 9 times out of 10. Be your own good role model.

Kid Rock brawls in Waffle House after performing "Jesus"

Kid Rock, known for getting with shape-shifter Pamela Anderson and for his hit song Yodeling in the Biggest and Dirtiest of Valley's, was arrested for brawling in an Atlanta-area Waffle House. He had just left a show where bunch of idol worshippers paid to see him perform "Jesus" on stage. Not only that, he prophesied the event prior to it happening when he asked a judge about getting punished for slapping someone in a Waffle House.
In other news, apparently your choice for President in South Carolina is between Stephen Colbert and Ron Paul. I would go with Ron Paul because his name is short and easy to remember, like Kid Rock or Al Gore.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Indians reclaim Louisiana from White Man under guise of Republican named Jihad?

Congratulations to Bobby Jindal for becoming the new Governor of Louisiana. The Indians are glad to have reclaimed the land from Blanco.

It's being tabbed as a victory for Republicans, especially because if you switch the 'd' and 'l' and overlap the 'l' with the 'n' his last name spells Jihad.

So let's get this straight. An Indian with a subliminal Jihad in his name just took Louisiana back from Whitey and he did it as a Republican. Hilarious, guys.